ANTIOXIDANT ADVANTAGE ORANGE JUICE

Those who know me particularly well know how I like my orange juice: cold, orange, and filled with vitamins and minerals. Those who know me even more well know my routine: I drink two glasses of orange juice with breakfast (one with a multivitamin) and two glasses before I go to bed. I'm willing to bet 400% daily value of Vitamin C a day is detrimental to my health, although I don't know why, since vitamins help me grow and stuff.


When I'm feeling particularly risky, I'll drink another carton of orange juice in school. My choice is always the Antioxidant Advantage™ Orange Juice© by Tropicana Manufacture, registered trademark. This choice is actually somewhat of a recent development. I realized my stomach hurts more than it doesn't, and it is most likely due to bad oxidants, possibly from drinking so much orange juice. Antioxidant Advantage corrects this by introducing little things called ascobic acids, not present in regular orange juice. As the name suggests, this means it helps fight the bad oxidants that can negatively affect our mortal stomachs.

As for the drink itself, it's okay. It's a little watery. Which is fine, as antioxidants are water soluble so we don't have to chew on them. I give it a two, for two thumbs way up.

A TRUCK

A truck!

THE NEW FACEBOOK

I am SO ANGRY!!

This is me TOTALLY FREAKING OUT over the new Facebook redesign. Yes, I smile when I'm mad.

I hope corporate hamster Mark Zuckerberg is sleeping soundly in his bedding made of shredded thousand-dollar bills while the rest of us peons are suffering the insufferable with the latest aesthetic overhaul to a service offered to us free of charge. I really hate how they streamlined the news feed and friends lists to make them more manageable and relevant to my interests. The improved profile pages to take away the clusterfuck of useless applications so the pages load faster is... well... not an improvement at all! And don't even get me started on the updated Applications bar. Easily being able to click between my applications from any page really bunches up my panties.

I hate change. Having to take more than three minutes out of my day to learn something new is a fate worse than death. How can an America college student be expected to succeed in this country if our leisure time provides minor obstacles that can be championed and improved upon with little effort? By the way, go Obama.

I give it a two, because I don't want to waste precious arm energy by moving my mouse cursor three more inches to the left so I can select a zero.

CAT BRUSH

I'M USING THE CAT BRUSH!



CAT BRUSH!

Garfield is a below-average comic strip. Fischerspooner is a below-average industrial band [e: Actually, it is Nine Inch Nails; Fischerspooner was in a different video where Garfield eats a purse. In this case, I take back my below-average remark. Nine Inch Nails is simply average.] But for some reason, when both of these things combine, something well above average is created.

Would have gotten a zero since zero times zero is usually zero. But I'm giving it a two, because the video description explains the joke.

LASER GHOST

You shoot lasers at ghosts.

You can play with three players in the arcade version. Each player has their own laser gun with which they can use to shoot lasers at the ghosts that pop up. There's nothing sweeter than that.

There really doesn't seem to be any story to it, you're just kinda some chick who gets lost and then ghosts attack you. You counter them by shooting lasers at them. Laser Ghost.

I'd give it a three but it's severely lacking in narrative.

THE COVER OF DRACULA

You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can still judge the cover. Which is what I'm going to do. Booyah.

Tonight we're judging this cover of Dracula, the Back Bay Books edition with a foreword by Elizabeth Kostova, author of The Historian, which is a different book. This cover is quite literally a close-up photograph of a "velvet pattern", probably one of the publishing staffers' great aunt's tablecloths.

Also featured is a girl, probably. Who is she? All I know about Dracula is that some angry dude wants to kill a vampire and I figured I'd save myself the bother of actually reading the book and just watching that one episode of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror where Homer drives a stake through Count Burns's heart. What does it matter? I already know how it ends anyway.

Normally, artistry of such low caliber would score nothing higher than a perfect zero; however, avid readers of my blog will remember how this is the very same book that was caressed by a cute girl who rang me up at Barnes & Noble. Considering the circumstances, I will award it a two, as I too one day hope to be held by a beautiful woman.

A PICTURE OF SUDA 51

"Before we begin, I just want to let you know that I'm a huge fan of killer7"

That's what I said to game developer Goichi Suda shortly before conducting the worst interview of all time. Suda heads up a Japanese development studio called 'grasshopper manufacture', who has made cult classic games such as No More Heroes and of course killer7, along with overseas-only titles like Flower, Sun, and Rain and Michigan. His style can be characterized as cartoony-stylish and hyperviolent, with plenty of cursing and ambiguous narrative in between.

This is not a review of the man himself. It is a review of this photograph of him:

This is a cropped photo of his entire development team, which consists of dozens of hapless Japanese men and women sitting stoically. However, Suda himself is all smiles. I'm not sure what he's happy about, or why everyone else is so sad. It may have something to do with him being the most enthusiastic person I have ever met.

Seriously, when I told him I liked killer7, he exploded so fiercly it was almost as if I was the first person to ever tell him that. Comparatively, when I told Yuji Naka that I enjoyed Sonic the Hedgehog, he brushed me off. I guarantee I was the first person to tell him that in ten years. Both of these men speak about the same amount of English (practically none).

Because it's not so clear why Suda is happy in this photo, I'm afraid I will have to knock it down a whole point. I give it two dots.